Dear Teacher,
I came across your picture somewhere and I must say, I was relieved. Things did not end on the right note. Things could have been better or at least could have been handled better. But I could not do that and that haunts me.
There was no fault of yours. Absolutely none. In fact you were so good that I got scared that I may hurt you if it goes on. You may be holding a grudge against me and I cannot blame you for that. I deserve it. But I hope you understand that I did not have any bad intentions. We did not even meet during the period.
I remember how we first talked in that phase. I called you and I do not know why. There was no reason for that call. I was going through a bad phase and I just wanted to talk to someone. I used to call random people in my contact list because I needed to stop myself from drifting away. We talked and somehow instantly connected. That was not the first time we were talking but that was indeed the first time that we truly connected. I always liked you and I still do. But now more, in a respectful and caring way.
Whenever I think about that phase, multiple emotions come into my mind. I find the whole phase strange as two people started talking after so many years and connected so well. I was talking and listening and you were doing the same. Some may say that whats unique about that. But do we really talk and listen to people around us. I do not think so, unless we like the person and find some kind of connect in the situation, thought process, mental state etc. I talked to you and shared my woes. I listened to your problems and truly cared about you. You did the same. I believe that we truly needed each other at that time and we did help each other. But that scared me as well.
I do not open up to people very often but if I connect with someone, I share my thoughts and emotions quite easily... and sometimes I do that without giving proper thought to it. I liked you, I liked talking to you but I had never thought of the future. But you started doing that. Not blaming you for that at all. After all, that was the obvious thing to do. I would not say that I was shocked by the topic when it first came up but it made me think.
I was just not sure at that time. I was liking the phase but I was not sure about the next steps. It was more of a 'May Be' than a clear-cut 'Yes' or 'No'. I was thinking about it and believe me, I was preparing myself. After all, I was liking our bond and knew that things would not be 'too bad'. However, I wanted to be 100% sure before jumping to some kind of futuristic move.
You did not know about my dilemma as that was probably the only thing that I was not sharing with you. I was confident that I would be able to get past the dilemma and things would be fine again. And, you were not pressurizing me in any manner. It is not that there was an urgency to make a move. Things were going on as usual but I wanted to make up my mind sooner than later as I did not want to hurt you at a later stage. It may sound difficult to believe but it is true.
Then , something happened during that period. Something important to your family. And the development was going to ease a lot of pressure on you. I was happy for you and your family. However, I noticed that you started 'investing' more in that development than you should have. I pointed that out and I was taken aback by the answer. You mentioned that you do not want anything for yourself as you have me on your side. I was not ready for that. I was too confused in that stage to commit to that. I became nervous. It is not that I was running away from a relationship, it is just that I was not sure about the future of the relationship at that moment. Taking the relationship further would have involved similar kind of issues that I had gone through along with my family, not too long ago. I was not prepared for that but was indeed preparing myself for that.
However, now I was required to make a decision quickly as you were about to make huge decisions. It would have been disastrous if I backed the decisions and later backed-out of the relationship. I did not want to put you in that situation. After all, it was not a fling. I truly liked you and cared about you. I had to make a decision quickly and I did. But I did not execute it in as sensitive manner as the situation and our bond demanded. I did not have the courage to explain it to you through a mature conversation. I did try but I was not as honest about the reasons as I should have and was putting the blame elsewhere. You, of course, were still being supportive and that was making it even more difficult. Finally, I decided that I should cut off the ties as otherwise both of us would suffer.
I mentioned earlier that whenever I think about that phase, multiple emotions come into my mind. Often, it brings a smile on my face as it was something truly special. The phase included pure 'selfless' romance. We did need each other but we cared about each other more than we cared about ourselves and our needs. However, more than the positive emotions, it brings negative emotions. Of course, for myself. I feel like a coward. I feel ashamed. I feel disgusted with myself. I did not behave like a good person and that haunts me. It is truly one of the biggest regrets of my life. What hurts and haunts me most is the thought that I probably did the same to you what another person did to me. Though there is a big difference. I was not being selfish while making the decision and I know that. Yet, I did not explain things to you in a decent manner and probably made you hope and wait for my call. I am truly sorry for that.
At the same time, I would be honest and say that it is not that I miss you. I am in a committed relationship now and I am very happy in that relationship. I have moved on and so have you. However, as I mentioned earlier, I do think about those days and that phase. They haunt me and constantly remind me of the mistakes I made. I think about the phase and pray for your well-being.
And then I saw your picture. You looked happy and good. And that made me feel extremely happy and relieved. It is not that I was expecting you to be in a depressed and distraught state even after so many years. Nothing like that; I do know that I am not that important. But I do know that such things leave a scar and a bad taste. I have gone through it myself and I can understand. I hope I am different & wrong and you no longer think about that phase at all. All these years, I have always hoped to get the news that you are happy in your life and now, I finally know that and I am so happy for you.
I wish I could say sorry to you in person. But I do not 'seek' that opportunity. You have moved on and you are happy. I do not want the bad taste to come back in your life even for a moment. I do wish we could be friends though.
I would always pray for your happiness. God bless you!!!
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