Clarity

The future is unclear. It is dark, full of uncertainties. Because of that, most people hesitate to leave one place in search of another. Some, like yours truly, do not even know where to go or whether something good, or even just okay, is waiting on the other side.

I am tired. I am confused. I am scared. 

Still, there is something that makes leaving easier. It is not certainty about where you are headed. It is clarity about where you no longer want to remain. A decision becomes easier when, even without knowing where you will go, you know you do not want to stay.

So today, after sitting with the thought for over a month, I finally got up...to leave. Your company. Your people.

The Real 'Darr' Was Outside the Theatre

Was listening to a song recently and got reminded of an incident from 1993.

Growing up, summer vacations more often than not meant one thing. A trip to Patna.

A large part of my extended family lived there. Several of my Buas and Phuphas, along with countless cousins. As a kid, I used to be incredibly excited about those trips. In fact, I used to be jealous that my cousins got to spend so much time together while I met them only during vacations. Summers in Patna meant large family gatherings, games, cricket, good food, ice creams, endless stories and complete freedom. Honestly, what else does a child need?

One thing that happened very often during those vacations was family movie outings. Not small groups. The entire clan. Sometimes twelve to fifteen people together or even more.

During that trip, the plan was to watch Darr, starring Sunny Deol, Shah Rukh Khan and Juhi Chawla. Even before its release, the movie had become hugely popular and was generating tremendous interest. Tickets were obviously difficult to get. So, like every large Indian family, responsibility was delegated to the younger boys.

One of my cousins was given the task of arranging tickets. I went along with him. Two of his friends joined us as well since they also wanted to watch the film with us. The four of us landed at the theatre early in the morning - probably around eight or eight thirty - because we wanted to beat the crowd and get tickets for a truckload of people.

We were expecting chaos. We had mentally prepared ourselves for pushing crowds, long queues, disappointment, maybe even failure. But to our surprise, the exact opposite happened. The ticket counter had just opened and within minutes we had all the tickets we needed. Just like that.

Mission accomplished! We found a phone booth and informed others that we have managed to get the tickets!

But then came a new problem. If my memory is not failing me, we were still around 90 minutes away from the start of the movie.

This was the early 1990s. There were practically no options to spend time that early in the morning. Most shops were still shut. Only a few eateries selling chai, samosa, jalebi and similar snacks were open. Going all the way back home and returning again for the movie felt unnecessarily exhausting. So we stood outside the theatre trying to figure out what to do.

That is when I noticed something strange.

My cousin and his two friends had started discussing something quietly among themselves. Every few seconds, they would look at me awkwardly and continue whispering. It was obvious that his friends were nudging him to ask me something, but he was unsure how I would react.

For context, I was almost fourteen years old and this cousin was around two years older than me. So he and his friends must have been around sixteen. We lived in different cities but studied in the same class, so our relationship was more like friends. Still, there was visible hesitation in the air.

Finally, I asked what was going on.

After some visible reluctance, he told me.

Before the morning show of Darr, the theatre was running an adult film in the early morning slot. And the three of them were discussing whether we should use the waiting time to go watch it. He asked me if I was okay with the idea.

A hundred thoughts ran through my head instantly.

Until that moment, I had never watched an adult movie in my life. I was not even 14. So naturally, I was nervous and deeply uncomfortable. But at the same time, like boys and men often do, I desperately did not want to appear inexperienced or scared in front of the others. Internally, I was absolutely shitting bricks. Externally, I tried my best to look calm and unfazed.

I agreed.

But not before raising what I thought was a very important concern.

Darr was supposed to start in around 75 minutes and knowing our family members, most of them would probably arrive only 60-80 minutes later. But what if, for once, they actually arrived early? They would notice that we were missing. Worse, they might see us walking out of the theatre.

That, ironically, was the real Darr. 

(For my non-Hindi speaking readers - and I would like to believe that people actually read this blog - Darr means Fear)

I raised this point partly because I genuinely feared getting caught and partly because I hoped it would make them abandon the plan altogether. To my relief, the point landed. They looked at each other and agreed that it was a valid concern. 

Unfortunately for me, they were not as Darr-pok as I was. (Darr-pok means coward)

The adult movie (I do not recall the name) had already started, so they quickly came up with what they believed was a foolproof plan. We would immediately buy tickets, go inside, watch the movie for no more than 45 minutes and come out well before our family members arrived.

I had to admit, it sounded logical. And with that, the plan was put into action.

We bought the tickets and entered the theatre. There were only a handful of people inside. We quietly went and sat in a corner. The movie had already been running for some time.

Technically, I was watching the movie. Mentally, however, I was sitting on a ticking time bomb.

Not because the movie itself was particularly scandalous. In fact, from what I remember, it was mostly terrible and had very few actual adult scenes. Whatever 'adult content' it had was mostly limited to occasional nudity rather than anything explicit. My cousin and his friends were giggling occasionally, not on the scenes but at the expressions of people sitting in that dark theatre - early in the morning!

Meanwhile, I was doing only one thing. Checking my watch every few minutes.

After around 25 minutes, I elbowed my cousin and whispered, “Should we leave?” 

He looked at his watch casually and replied, “There’s still a lot of time.”

Five minutes later, I asked again. Same response. This happened a few more times.

Finally, after spending about 40-45 minutes inside the theatre, my cousin agreed to leave. Maybe he got irritated with my constant questioning. Maybe even he had started getting nervous.

The moment he agreed, I practically sprang out of my seat. I led the group toward the exit like a man escaping a crime scene. My only objective was to get out quickly, reach a safe spot outside and ensure we did not get caught by any family member.

The exit opened into a narrow roofless alley beside the theatre which connected to the parking area in front.

I walked out first, almost charging through the alley. And then, in what felt like a perfectly scripted twist written by a sadistic Bollywood writer, I froze...

Around 15 steps away stood a man holding a large video camera on his shoulder. And he was recording people coming out of the theatre!!

For a second, my soul left my body.

Thankfully, this was one situation where none of us needed discussion, consensus or strategic planning. Without saying a word, all four of us instantly covered our faces and sprinted past the camera like fugitives escaping a police raid.

We did not stop running until we were at least a hundred metres away from the theatre.

Once we finally caught our breath, we looked at each other. Every single face was pale. The confident 'men' who had decided to watch the movie had vanished. Only four scared boys remained.

After waiting for some time, we cautiously walked back toward the theatre, but only after a large crowd had gathered outside. We quietly stood in one corner and noticed that the cameraman was still there and he was accompanied by a couple of others.

After asking around, we discovered who they were.

It was the crew of Ankhon Dekhi, one of the most respected investigative journalism programs on Doordarshan during the 1990s and early 2000s. Hosted by journalist Nalini Singh, the show was known for fearless reporting and social issue investigations across India.

And that day, they were shooting an episode about children falling into bad habits.

The real problem was this: my immediate and extended family never missed an episode of Ankhon Dekhi.

Eventually, the family members arrived and after some time we stopped thinking about the incident. Frankly, what else could we do? All of us watched and thoroughly enjoyed Darr.

That particular episode of Ankhon Dekhi was not aired immediately. It probably took a couple of weeks and by then we had already returned from Patna. Back then, we did not have cable TV (or dish TV) at home. Unlike today’s world of endless television channels and streaming platforms, back then Doordarshan was pretty much our only source of TV entertainment. Yet for the next several weeks, I kept inventing excuses to prevent my family from watching Ankhon Dekhi.

The day the episode finally aired, I do not think I watched it myself.

I found out later that the episode thankfully did not contain the blockbuster scene that could easily have converted my life into a full-fledged horror movie.

At the beginning, I mentioned that listening to a song reminded me of this incident. The song is Jaadu Teri Nazar from Darr. I love the song but even today, whenever I hear it playing somewhere, I instantly get transported back to that morning in Patna. 

Looking back now, it is funny how terrified we were. Four boys acting like fugitives after watching forty minutes of a terrible adult movie. But at fourteen, reputation, fear and imagination combine in strange ways. And for a few weeks in 1993, I genuinely believed my life could be destroyed by Ankhon Dekhi.

The 'Divine Light' is Guiding Your Wife

Dear Jagdev,

The day I wrote that blog (The Laughter, The Arguments, The Regret and The Relief) about you, something strange happened. I suddenly realized that I had your mother’s phone number saved on my phone. I do not remember when I got the number or how long it had been sitting there quietly in my contacts. I did not even know whether the number was still active, whether she was still in India or whether she had moved abroad to stay with one of your sisters.

After thinking about it for a while, I decided to call. And to my relief, she picked up.

I gave her a brief background. I told her that you and I were classmates in school and that I had met her a couple of times between 1994 and 1996. Naturally, she did not remember me. Why would she? I was just another boy from your school days. Tall, intelligent, good looking (all that just in my mind) but just another boy. 

I told her that I had only called to check how she was doing. And suddenly she started crying uncontrollably. Honestly, that shook me. I am sorry to make your mother cry.

Somewhere in my mind, very foolishly, I had assumed that after all these years the pain would have softened a little. But listening to her cry, I immediately understood something that perhaps only parents understand fully - time may teach people how to continue living, but it does not erase loss.

After a while she handed the phone to your elder sister. We spoke briefly. It was a polite and slightly awkward conversation because she too did not really recall me.

After disconnecting the call, I sent them the blog I had written about you. Along with it, I requested if they would be comfortable sharing the contact details of your sisters and your wife.

There was no immediate response. And honestly, that was understandable. They were probably wondering who I was - someone who had suddenly called after decades, spoken emotionally about you and then shared a web link. In today’s world, where people are naturally cautious, I could understand their hesitation completely.

Then today, two days later, I received a few messages from your mother’s number. They were probably sent by your elder sister. She had read the blog and commented warmly about it. And then she shared the contact numbers of your younger sister...and your wife!

I could not stop myself from immediately messaging your wife on WhatsApp.

I introduced myself and shared some background. She too was understandably cautious in the beginning. In fact, one of the first things she asked me was how I had got her number. Sadly, the sheer number of spam calls and random messages people receive these days has made everyone naturally suspicious of unknown callers, especially from India.

I explained how I had received her number through your family and that probably calmed her nerves a little. I asked her how she was doing and how your daughter was doing. She shared a couple of pictures of your daughter. After that we exchanged a few more messages. Then I shared the blog I had written about you.

She read it. And asked me if she could call me.

Honestly, while I genuinely wanted to connect with your family, I was not expecting that at all. Somewhere in my mind I had assumed they may feel uncomfortable speaking to a stranger from your distant school days.

So when she asked if she could call, I was pleasantly surprised. And then we had a video call.

She was there. And so was your daughter. And for the first time, I spoke to her.

Noor. Which means 'Divine Light'. Such a beautiful name. 

It was a lovely and emotional interaction speaking to your wife and daughter. Your wife was very emotional and, so was I. Life without you has clearly not been easy for them, but your wife is doing an exceptional job raising Noor. Noor is extremely pretty, bright, graceful and doing really well. She is growing into a wonderful, confident and lovely young lady who will make both her parents immensely proud. I told her that you often talked about her and you loved her a lot. 

While writing this, I am thinking that somewhere, somehow, you must already know all this. You must already be watching them with pride.

And today, after speaking to them, I felt something I have not felt in a very long time whenever I thought about you...

Relief. A deep sense of relief. As if a large rock - almost my size - has finally been lifted off my chest. I am so happy!

I will stay in touch with them and, like always, they will remain in my prayers. If they ever need me, I will always try to help in whatever way I can.

God bless you, my friend. And God bless your family.

The Friend You Used to Be

You were once someone rare to me.

Not because you did grand things - though you did, and I don't deny that - but because you noticed me when most people didn’t. It felt that you understood me. In a world where presence is often loud but shallow, yours was quiet and real. That is what stayed with me. That is what mattered.

And it still does.

I’ve thanked you many a time. I still do. And I have meant it each time. May be you won’t understand why, but you mattered to me in ways that had nothing to do with what you could give. I of course never had much. I am not a man of means - I never was - but I have always tried to show up in the only way I knew how: by being there. Emotionally. Physically. Honestly. Consistently.

But now, may be in the last couple of years and definitely in the last one year, it feels that things have changed. I feel that you have changed and I guess you feel that I have changed. 

The person who once felt warm and genuine now feels distant and 'calculated'. I am sure that when you do things for people, you do not expect much. However, now very frequently, I hear that I did 'so much' for XYZ and I did not get anything in return. And invariably, that 'so much' is materialistic, expensive things. I have found it both strange and different. After all, friendship and generosity are not 'investments' and people's emotions cannot be 'returns'.

That shift is hard to ignore.

Another change is in the people you spend time with. They can be put in three broad buckets (and I am not including women; that's a very different subject). 

There are those above you. These are the ones you seem eager to impress, to emulate. I’ve watched you around them. You stop being yourself. You put up a performance. You are often quite fake in front of them. And I really do not think they respect you the way you think they do. I genuinely hope I am wrong.

Then there’s the middle ground - new friends who are similar to you in status. Comfortable, safe, predictable. No imbalance there, so no tension. You like spending time with them.

And finally, the ones who’ve been around the longest. The ones who knew you before all of this. The ones who care. This group also includes people who have not made it and probably never will. At least they would never achieve the definition of success that you have. You meet them but off late, it feels that you do not respect them. Their value seems negligible. Their voices are inconvenient.

Isn't it strange how the people who stood by you the longest now seem to matter the least?

The past couple of years have made this even clearer. You went through difficult times. To a large extent, it was self-created. From one bad habit to another (let us call them that as I really do not want to be specific). When you felt low, sad, depressed, angry - I was there. Not perfectly, not always with the right words, but I stayed. I questioned you when I had to because I am a friend and not a 'Yes Man'. I supported you when you needed it. I didn’t walk away, even when you tried to push me out. 

During this period, you made several choices. Some of them, extremely hard to defend. Harder to watch. I remained by your side.

I tried to be the 'voice of conscience' and told you the right thing to do. You never did. I still remained by your side.

You hurt people. You dismissed them. You subordinated everyone and everything - work, family, friends, me and - above all - your pride and self-respect. That's the part that hurts me the most because I took pride in you and respected you. I tried to stop you. You distanced yourself, proudly declaring that you no longer care what anyone thinks - that you’re finally living life for yourself. 

Well...you are succeeding. And I genuinely hope you are happy.

You pushed everyone away. Even those who once stood firmly beside you. You’ve drawn lines where there didn’t need to be any. And yet, when those same people feel bad and step back, you act surprised!!! Hurt, even!!!

That part is almost poetic.

I can already imagine your reaction to all of this - something along the lines of, “After everything I’ve done…”

And that’s exactly the point.

Not everything can be bought. Not loyalty. Not respect. Not self-worth. Contrary to what you might believe now, not everyone is transactional. Not everyone trades dignity for gifts, or affection for favors. Some people still hold on to things like pride and self-respect. Outdated concepts to you perhaps but they matter to people. 

For what it’s worth - I never stayed because of what you offered. Not the gifts. Not the gestures. Not the things you insisted on giving. Take back everything you have given and more....but return my old friend.

I stayed with you because of who you were. You used to care. You used to listen. You used to understand without needing explanations. That version of you - that’s the one who mattered. This version… now feels unfamiliar. 

I am hurt.

You know that. Not because you understood. Now, I no longer expect that from you. You know that because you asked, "are you mad at me for something"? And I told you. And then what? You chose silence over conversation. I would never do that to you because this is not what friends do.

But ya, it’s an interesting choice - to walk away from someone who doesn’t need to ask if you’re hurting, because they already know. You have said that to me. I understand when you are hurt, sad, angry, depressed, anxious. I get that by looking at you. I get that from your voice. If I have to ask you then I have failed as a friend.

I am someone who stayed. I am someone who cared. Someone who, despite everything, still does.

But I don’t expect anything from you now. Not explanations, not apologies, not a sudden return to who you were. High hopes, isn't it??!! What am I even thinking? I know your reaction if and when you read this would be what I said earlier, "Wow...after everything I’ve done, this is what I get...."

I just hope - genuinely - that whatever path you’re on keeps you as happy as you believe it will. That the bubble holds. That the wonderland doesn’t crack under its own weight.

And that your 'Pursuit of Unrealistic Happiness' turns out to be worth it. Because it did cost something. More than you realize - or may ever be willing to admit.

Take care. I mean that. Even now. 

You have hurt me immensely. You know that - unlike you - I do not have many friends and when I needed anything, I have always turned to you. Thanks for taking that away. You have shown me, with remarkable clarity, how little I matter.

But I still care and...I always will. I have not given up on you. It is not in me at all. I still hope that one day you will stumble your way back to senses and understand your priorities and the people who genuinely care. Will wait...

I miss you my friend

Friendship is like a delicate dance, full of ups and downs. It's not always easy to make and keep friends; it's a journey with lots of twists and turns, highs and lows. But it's in those tough times that you really see how strong a friendship is.

I find myself reflecting on this as I navigate the complexities of my own friendships, grappling with the inherent struggles that come with maintaining these cherished bonds. I have always been one to cherish my friendships deeply, holding them close to my heart as pillars of support and solace in times of need. However, in recent times, I have found myself grappling with the painful reality of losing touch with some of my closest friends, a realization that has left me feeling adrift and alone.

One friendship, in particular, stands out as a poignant reminder of the fragile nature of these connections. This friend, who once served as a confidant and a source of comfort, has now become a somewhat distant figure, the warmth of our conversations replaced by mostly formal and awkward conversations. The rift between us began with a series of misunderstandings and miscommunications, each one driving a wedge further between us.

The first crack in our friendship appeared when I felt hurt by some insensitive comments made by my friend. Though I knew deep down that his intentions were not malicious, I couldn't help but feel wounded by his words. Instead of addressing the issue calmly and rationally, I let my emotions get the best of me, leading to a confrontation that left us both feeling uneasy.

The final blow came when a long-running joke between us took a turn for the worse. What had once been a light-hearted jest between friends had morphed into a source of ridicule, causing me immense discomfort and frustration. Despite my repeated attempts to convey my displeasure, my friend failed to grasp the seriousness of the situation, leading to a heated exchange that left our friendship hanging by a thread.

Looking back, I realize that I could have handled things differently. I could have been more patient, more forgiving. I could have approached the situation with a level head and a willingness to understand rather than react. Yet, in the heat of the moment, I let my emotions cloud my judgment, causing irreparable damage to a friendship that meant the world to me. This friend has stood by me in dark times and I should have understood that. I am difficult person to be with but he is one of the few, who was always there.

As I sit here, grappling with the aftermath of these events, I can't help but feel a profound sense of loss. I miss the easy camaraderie we once shared, the effortless way we could talk for hours on end about anything and everything. I miss having someone to confide in, someone who understood me in a way that few others did.

But amidst the pain of this loss, I am reminded of the resilience of friendship. I am reminded that true friendship is not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the ability to overcome it. I am reminded that even in our darkest moments, there is hope for reconciliation, for healing, for a return to the bonds that once united us.

So, to my friend, I want you to know that I miss you. I miss the laughter, the tears, the shared moments that made our friendship so special. I hope that one day, we can rediscover the magic of our friendship once again. Until then, I will hold onto the memories we shared, cherishing them as a reminder of the bond we once shared and the possibility of a brighter future ahead.

Big Decision

At the beginning of February 2022, COVID finally managed to catch me. Everyone at my home - my wife, daughter, parents and mother-in-law - were down with COVID and thus, there was no need for isolation. It made it slightly easier to manage.

Everyone recovered within 3-5 days but it was not the case with me. In my case, I lost sense of smell after 4-5 days of getting COVID and I had symptoms which are no longer common. It took ~2.5 weeks to recover fully but that period was filled with confusion and frustration. 

I realized (and later confirmed with my doctor) that COVID troubled me more and for a longer period because of my overall health condition. Though I did not require COVID to get that realization but this was more of a wake-up call. I realized that the ability of my body to fight infections has significantly decreased over the years and if I do not take care of it now, things would soon go spiraling down.

Over the course of next couple of weeks, I discussed my concerns with my family but no one had a clear solution. In the past, I have made several attempts to take control of my health. Each attempt was successful [till it lasted] but not sustainable. I am someone who has always subordinated my personal life to my work and I have failed to create the right balance. Sustainability and momentum are extremely important in such attempts and I needed to address them. 

Finally, we took a call that everything else is secondary and my health needs my 100% attention. I spoke to my reporting manager and was prepared for every outcome. We have started working together fairly recently and to my surprise, he was extremely supportive. Not that I expected him not to be supportive but in organizations, several other factors [and people] can come in the way. He spoke to the HR team and was communicated about the challenges. However, he managed to find a way!! 

So, for the next few months, my life would be very different. I have not taken such a break since the beginning of my career. There is a long battle to fight and I would need support, motivation and best wishes.   

Most Stressful Day of My Life

9 March 2022 - I will always remember this day as the most stressful day of my life.

In the early hours of 8th March, Ananya woke me up and complained of stomach pain and nausea. I was not alarmed as this is something that she experiences fairly regularly. By morning, the pain worsened and she starting puking frequently. Again this did not alarm us as she has had such episodes at least 10 times in the past and each time doctors treated her for stomach infection. We tried medications that were prescribed by her pediatrician in past and the puking went away. Soon the stomach pain subsided too.

In the evening of 8th March, she again started having stomach pain but this time, the pain was also on her right side. Since this was different from previous episodes - and more importantly, we were afraid that her pediatrician would not be available later in the night - we rushed to the doctor's clinic. The doctor examined her and told us that it 'could be' appendicitis. He suggested that we take her to a hospital and keep her there under observation. We immediately took her to the best children's hospital in the city.  Looking at her condition as well as the doctor note, they immediately admitted her.

All the puking in the morning had made her pretty weak and we were told that she is severely dehydrated. They started her on IV fluids and conducted few tests (x-ray of lower abdomen as well as blood culture). It was late and the radiologist was not available. We offered to take her to another branch of the same hospital or to another hospital/diagnostic center to get the ultrasound done but were told that its okay to wait till morning.

After couple of hours of getting IV fluids, Ananya started feeling slightly better...actually energetic. Her blood report showed increased WBC count as well as elevated CRP. She was given antibiotics as well as painkillers. However, the pain continued to trouble her through the night.

In the morning of 9th March, she was sent for ultrasound to another branch as the Radiologist was still not available. I could not go as only one attendant was allowed in the ambulance. After the test, Roshni called and informed that the tests have shown 'inflamed appendicitis'. She was told that the pediatric surgeon would tell us if this can be tackled through antibiotics or would a surgery be required. We were asked to wait.

10 minutes later, a nurse came and asked me to go to the insurance desk as they would require the details of the insurance and would communicate the inclusions/exclusions. I was told that afterwards, I will have to go to the billing section and they would give me the total 'tentative' estimate. There was significant urgency in her tone and I asked what is the matter? Then she told me that they are preparing for an emergency surgery and it is scheduled in next 25 minutes!! I requested to speak to the surgeon to understand the urgency but was told that I will be able to meet her only in the OT complex when they take Ananya there. I was confused and scared...something that does not help my BP and pulse rate. 

I rushed to the insurance desk and they threw truckload of jargons at me. Basically I understood that non-medical expenses would not be covered under insurance and ~22-24% of medical expenses would be covered. I did not understand the reason but honestly, I did not care about the money. My little princess was being prepared for surgery and I wanted to be with her. I just asked them if it would it be any different in case of the other two policies that covered Ananya and they hurled another truck load of jargons. 

I asked them to proceed with the fastest route and NOTHING should stop the medical process. Afterwards, as instructed, I went to the billing department and there I was given as estimate regarding the surgery. Though I did get a sense of the expenses involved but they kept emphasizing that all costs are tentative. Anyways, I signed the documents immediately and ran back to Ananya's room. Thankfully, I found the surgeon near the elevator and I asked her about Ananya's condition, is a surgery the only option, what are the risks involved and why suddenly there is a maddening rush??!!?? The doctor sensed that I am quite nervous and she calmly answered all my questions. She told me that they are preparing everything but the surgery would take place only after we give a nod. I did not know how but I wanted a second opinion.

After talking to the surgeon, I rushed to Ananya's room and found that she has already been prepped for the surgery and were bringing the wheelchair to shift her to the OT. Honestly, this pissed me off but upon talking to Roshni [and later my father], I came to know that they are in favor of getting the surgery done. I still wanted the second opinion but there was no time!!!

The surgeon met us outside the OT and once again answered our questions. Ananya was scared but asked some questions. The surgeon helped in calming her nerves. Soon afterwards, Ananya was shifted to the OT. We came out. That is when the multiple emotions got the better of me. I do not know how long the surgery lasted but I sat in a corner and cried all through. 

After the surgery ended, a nurse came and asked us to meet Ananya in the recovery room. Only one parent was allowed and Roshni allowed me to go first. The anesthesist met me outside the recovery room and asked if I am the father. I nodded. She said that Ananya is still extremely drowsy but she asked for me. I entered the recovery room. Ananya was not in her senses but opened the eyes and looked at me. Then she closed her eyes. She again opened her eyes and asked me if the operation is over. I told her that it is over and she was extremely brave all through. She again closed her eyes. Then she again opened her eyes and asked me if the operation is over. I replied the same. This happened few times. I sat there by her side and again started crying. I really do not know why. I had already been told that the surgery was successful and there is no danger. It is just that I had never seen her in this condition and do not want to ever see her in this condition.

Its 12th March today. We have to take her to the hospital today as the surgeon would examine the surgery wound and the overall health. Ananya is doing better. Hopefully, everything is fine. Looking back at all the events of 9th March, I still get the jitters. I was not prepared for the sudden surgery. It is something, I hope no parent has to go through. 

In this episode, I realized that Ananya is much braver than I think. Definitely braver than me!!!

(I must add something here. On 9th March, post the surgery, my best friend - Khaitan [Vikas Khaitan] - came to the hospital to help me in dealing with insurance. Like numerous times in my life, he was there to help and support me and his presence helped a lot. I am so thankful to have him in my life but do not deserve him one bit.) 

परिंदा शाख पर तन्हा उदास बैठा है,

उड़ान भूल गया मुद्दतों की बंदिश में 

Birthday Celebration

Feeling lonely and depressed. No one is talking and no one to talk to.

Life did not take a sharp turn somewhere. It was a slow turn and I was aware of it.

Do I want to go back and change my relationship with some people. Absolutely not. I was naive when those people mattered. Now I am happy that they are not around me.

But some relationships do hurt. I changed my attitude and behaviour towards others because of one such person. And now, more often than not, I get only ridicule from this person.

May be its just a bad day. May be its just a phase. But I have understood one thing.
Beyond a point, no one matters for anyone. Life goes on, people move on.

I am depressed and there is noone to talk to.

Useless

I am feeling useless. My brother needs help. However, I cannot help him. All due to my insecurities, fears and lack of confidence. The one time he needed me and I am not helping him. Useless.

Dream we shall never see again

Streets we have never walked on
Windows we have never opened
Hands we have never held
Dreams we shall never ..never see again

Lives we have never lived
Hopes ..we have never realized
Fires we have never lit
Loves we shall never .. never make again

Favorite Songs

It is extremely difficult to answer when someone asks "What ia your favorite song?". After all, how can you zero down upon a single song from a list of zillions of songs. I feel what you listen depends upon your mood. While driving you may like to hear a peppy song. You may like to listen a ghazal with a scotch in hand. And so, you may have a favorite for each mood or situation.

Last evening, we played a game in which everyone had to list the 'Top 10 Favorite Songs'. Of course it was based on the top of the mind recall. Following was my list (in no particular order);

- Hamaari adhuri kahaani (Hamaari adhuri kahaani)

- Mera kucch samaan (Ijaazat)

- Ae zindagi gale laga le (Sadma)

- Guncha koi (Main, Meri Patni aur Woh)

- Maeri (Euphoria)

- Aaj din chadheya (Love Aaj Kal)

- Tumko dekha to (Saath Saath)

- Yaara seeli seeli (Lekin)

- Iktaara (Wake Up Sid)

- Ae dil-e-nadaan (Razia Sultan)

Relationship Goals

"Babu Moshai....Zindagi badi honi chahiye, lambi nahi". This is a dialogue from the movie Anand. It has such a deep and special message, which is true even for relationships.

It does not matter what is the duration of the relationship. There are people who remain in a relationship for years yet they feel disconnected. And then there are some relationships that do not last long but remain special.

So make the relationships special. Do not celebrate anniversaries....celebrate each day, each moment.

Collage Times

Presidents Club Award (2nd year in row) and Long Service Award

Bye Malaysia, Hello India

Last 5+ years in Malaysia were great. Thank you Malaysia/Kuala Lumpur for treating us so well. And thank you B-9-6 Mont Kiara Pelangi, our address for the last 5 years. I have never stayed in one house for so long. Ananya grew up in the house/city/country and there are so many memories. It will always have a special place in our hearts.

Though Malaysia is a great place to live and we enjoyed our stay in the country, there is one problem with the place....it is not India and so, it is not home.

It took a while to find a way back to India. It was a long and difficult process. When we finally figured a way, we realized that there was an easier/simpler way, which was always there/available!!!

Nevertheless, I am back where I belong. INDIA. Though we (Roshni and I) have jumped right in the middle of the 'cash crunch', we are looking forward to every bit of it. The returning NRI in me does kick in from time to time. "So much pollution", "look how that bugger is driving..oh there is one more....wait...everyone is driving like that!!!" "Power cut!!!" But I am so happy to be back!!!

Pune will be our new home. Its a city that has always attracted me. I had an option to pick from Gurgaon, Mumbai, Chennai, Bangalore, Kolkata and Pune. It was an easy decision. A new city, a new adventure. Have some friends in the city and others are a visa-less travel away :)

#JeenaYahaanMarnaYahaan #India

Will miss you B-9-6

Father served in the army and I am working with fifth company. So moving houses is not new. You pack your memories and move to a new location. That's it. You cannot get too attached or too emotional.

However, it is different this time around. I have been in this house for over 5 years. Probably the longest that I have stayed in any house. But more importantly, this is the house in which Ananya has grown up. She was 4 months old when she came to this house. So many happy memories are attached.

We are moving to a different place. Today is the last day in this house. Well....I may have to come back one more time to formally hand over the house. But it is not easy. It feels like I am leaving behind a bit of Ananya. 

I will miss you B-9-6.

All the women I love