Amma

Its a pic of Amma (my grandma) that I clicked in 2005 or 2006. Now, my youngest Bua has used it on the back of a book on Amma's work. Not sure about the nature of the book but it should have poetry. Amma's writings had deep meaning and she was really good with words. Am happy that the pic is a small part of the book. 

जाने दो

विदा की बेला में,
रुकने की बात करके,
फिर से मुझे जांच रहे हो?
बहुत दिन रहे हम साथ,
अब घर जाने दो!

देखो ये आंखें तुम्हारी,
छलकने को हैं,
मेरी राह में कोहरा छा जाएगा,
मैं तो स्वयं ही अवश, शिथिल हो रहीं हूँ....
फिर से मुझे कातर मत बनाओ,
पोंछ लो अपनी आँखें,
मुझे घर जाने दो!

बहुत कुछ कहना था अभी भी,
तुम्हें भी और मुझे भी,
पर अब सबकुछ यहीं पर खत्म करें,
की शेष रह जाए कुछ हिसाब,
तभी तो, हम फिर मिलेंगे!

प्यार से मिल लो एक बार,
और जाने दो,
बहुत दिन रहे हम साथ,
अब घर जाने दो!

मुझे जाने दो!

              - अम्मा

हां सच है, कहना तो बहुत कुछ था। तुमसे सुनना भी था। मिलेंगे तो ज़रूर हम कहीं। लेकिन वो एक बार प्यार से ना मिलना, एक बार तुम्हारा हाथ ना पकड़ना, एक बार....आखरी बार...तुम्हारा माथा ना चूमना....हमेशा खलेगा। हमेशा रुलाएगा। क्या सही था और क्या गलत, वो दोराहा तो बहुत पीछे छूट गया। अब सिर्फ तुम्हारी बातें, तुम्हारा प्यार याद है।

जब भी मुझे जाना हो, तो तुम आना और मेरी उंगली थाम के ले जाना। बहुत बातें करेंगे।

जाने से पहले कई सालों में,
एक तरह से तुम थी नहीं,
तो लगता ही नहीं की,
अब तुम हो नहीं,

उन बीते हुए सालों में,
तुम भले साथ थी नहीं,
लेकिन पता था की तुम हो,
तो लगता है की तुम हो, अब भी हो

बहुत कुछ कहा तुमसे और कुछ नहीं कह पाया। कही और अनकही किसी बात का आज मलाल नहीं है। बस आखरी के कुछ दिनों में एक बार हाथ न पकड़ पाने, एक बार 'bye' ना कर पाने का गम हमेशा रहेगा। हमेशा रुलायेगा। लगा नहीं था की तुम चली जाओगी। लगा था की फ़िर मिलेंगे हम। कुछ दिन रही तुम....शायद इंतज़ार किया तुमने। बाकी किसी भी बात का नहीं, क्योंकि हमको पता है की तुम समझी.....लेकिन उस इंतज़ार करवाने के लिए और हाथ ना पकड़ पाने के लिए हम सच में sorry हैं।

कई बार अकेले में तुमको पुकारा है। हो सके तो मिल लेना हमसे। हम तो खोजते हुए आएंगे ही।

Yeh na socha tha kabhi, itne yaad aaogey tum

Yaadein.....

Sometimes I feel your presence. Sometimes I think you are still around. You know that I want to talk to you. And I do talk to you. Sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly (just in case you are here and listening). 

I look back at our relationship. I miss my childhood when you were my best friend. I miss those days when I was still 'unaware'. You know that I loved you so much.

Things changed. I grew up. Certain relationships start losing the same meaning with age. People start to drift apart as they get closer to others. But that was not the only reason. In my case, I grew up and started understanding a lot of things. And I started having my own opinion rather than allowing others (often you) to shape one for me. Things started to change then.

Looking back, I am thankful for how you treated me. I could not have asked for more. No one has ever got more. And I am glad that I told you that on multiple occasions. I also told you why I am no longer the same 'Vinayee'. I told you that I love you for all you did for me but there are reasons, which unfortunately I cannot overlook, that make me dislike you as well. 

I want to talk to you. But I do not have anything new to say. I have already shared with you everything so many times. It is just that, this time I want to say the same things while holding your hand.....while hugging you. 

I wish you had never loved me. I wish you were mean to me. As that would have made things easy and simpler. But now it is not. I wish I had called you more often. Now, I feel so helpless. And you were right when you said;

.....Jab hum na honge to ro ro ke duniya, dhoondhegi mere nishaan.......

I am sorry for hurting you and not being the same Vinayee.

तुम चली गयी।

कई बार सोचा था, कुछ बार मनाया था। तुम्हारा होने से लोगों को परेशानी ही थी।  कोई न अपने ढंग से रह सकता था, ना कहीं जा सकता था। तुम्हारा चला जाना काफी परेशानियों को ख़त्म कर सकता था।  या यूँ कहें की तुम्हारे नहीं होने से उन सब परेशानियों को ख़त्म करने के लिए कम से कम कुच्छ किया जा सकता था।   

बहुत गुस्सा था तुम्हारे लिए मन में।  तुमने जैसा बर्ताव मेरे करीबों लोगों के साथ किया, अच्छा नहीं लगा।   सोचता था की कैसी हो तुम.… जो इतना कुच्छ कर रहा है तुम्हारे लिए, उसके बारे में भी खराब बोलती हो। इतना गुस्सा था और इतना परेशान था की हमेशा लगता था की तुम्हारे चले जाने से ख़ुशी ही होगी।

पर ऐसा कुछ नहीं हुआ. बहुत दुःख है…सुबह से हर थोड़े देर पर बस रो ही रहे हैं.…. 

अम्मा, हमको हमेशा से पता था की तुम हमको बहुत प्यार करती हो।  तुम मेरे लिए कभी बुरी नहीं थी।  हमेशा मेरा साथ देती थी, लाड लगाती थी, कहानी सुनाती थी.…. तुमसे बात करके एक भरोसा जगता था।   तुमने बहुत प्यार किया हमको और हम इस वजह से ना कभी तुमको भुला सकते हैं.… और ना कभी अपने आप को माफ़ कर सकते हैं।  

चाहे हमारे बीच कैसी भी बात होती हो, अगली बार जब तुम्हारे कमरे में कदम रखते थे तो तुम्हारी आँखें चमक जाती थी.… तुम उठ कर बैठ जाती थी.… और मुस्कुराती थी। वोह आँखों की चमक, वोह मुस्कुराहट बहुत याद आएगी और बहुत सतायेगी।

अगर तुम्हारी नज़रों से देखें तो हम बहुत बुरे हैं।  जिसको तुमने इतना प्यार किया, उसने आखरी कुछ सालोँ में कम ही बार तुमसे अच्छे से बात किया।  इस बात को अच्छे से समझते थे अम्मा … हमेशा सबसे कहते थे की बड़ा मुश्किल रिश्ता बन गया है हमारा। मेरा एक हिस्सा है जो सिर्फ तुमसे प्यार ही कर सकता है लेकिन दूसरा हिस्सा तुम्हारे दुसरे पहलुओं को भी देखता है. बहुत मुश्किल था अम्मा… कई बार तुमको बताये भी हम इस बारे में।  

बहुत याद आओगी अम्मा। मन में यह हमेशा कचोटेगा की तुम्हारे आखरी वक़्त में एक बार… बस एक बार तुम्हारा हाथ भी नहीं पकड़ पाये ….  

Old Beggar

Fatima and her kids were excited and were getting ready for the movie. They did not want to get late even by a moment as such opportunities seldom came in this family.

Fatima lived with her husband Salim and their 6 children in a small village. The family had limited resources as Salim, a government school teacher, was the only earning member in the family. In the household with 8 members and meagre income, watching a movie was a big deal. Naturally, everyone was getting ready on ‘war-footing’. However, with 5 females, the party was running slightly late.

Salim had called two cycle-rickshaws. Four elder kids ran and boarded one of the rickshaws. Fatima was busy in ensuring that the house was properly locked. With every passing moment, the group was becoming increasingly anxious and agitated.

Finally, Fatima stepped out of the house, much to the delight of the advance party. Just when she was busy in locking the front door, someone came and stood near her. Fatima turned and looked at a pale-looking, old beggar. The old man looked extremely helpless. He was wearing dirty, torn and smelly cloths. He was obviously homeless and it seemed that he had not eaten in days. Yet, he had a smile on his face.

He asked in a soft voice, “kucch khane ko dengi? Do din se kucch khaye nahi hain(would you give something to eat. I have not eaten in two days)”. Fatima was really agitated and she angrily said, “arre abhi to hum sab cinema dekhne jaa rahe hain (we are all going to watch a movie)”

The old man did not show any disappointment on hearing this. He just shook his head in a manner to say he is sorry for disturbing them at a wrong time. He looked concerned that the group may miss some precious minutes of the movie because of him. He stepped back a little as if to give way to Fatima. Just when Fatima was crossing him, he managed a smile and said “hum yahin intezaar karte hain, aap log cinema dekh aaiye (I will wait here, you all go and watch the movie)”

Fatima kept walking but these words had hit her like a thunderbolt. Confused, she boarded the rickshaw. The two rickshaws started to crawl. Fatima looked at the old man, who was getting ready to lie down on the verandah. He was barely able to walk properly and was struggling to get down. Fatima kept looking at the old man till it was possible.

His words kept haunting Fatima. She closed her eyes and started to think that here is an old man who is hungry and is waiting on her doorsteps for her to return from the movie and give him something to eat!!! Would it not be cruel on her part to keep him waiting for another 3-4 hours? What has made the old man to wait on her doorsteps? After all, she gave him an agitated response. Yet he sensed that he will get something from this door. What if he cannot wait any longer and goes away to try somewhere else? Will she be able to ever overcome that guilt? What if the old man does not survive? She opened her eyes and decided that she must give the old man something to eat right away. She ordered the rickshaw-pullers to return to the house. The children could not believe their ears!!!

As soon as they reached the house, Fatima got down and went running to the old man. He was lying still. Worried, she bent and shook him. The old man opened his eyes and smiled. He asked “cinema khatam ho gaya (Is the movie over)”? Fatima smiled and said “haan, cinema khatam ho gaya (yes, the movie is over)".

Amma

Amma is my grandmother. She has been a guiding force in my life. During my childhood, she used to tell me stories that inculcated high values in me (At least, I would like to believe that they managed to do that!!!!). I have cried on her patriotic and emotional stories but believe me, I have learnt a lot from them too. My childhood has been full of such stories and lessons.

Once an old beggar came to amma's place while she was getting out of the house to watch a movie. All the kids, including my father, were very excited as watching movies used to be a luxury back in those days. The beggar seemed very hungry and asked for food. The group was getting late for the movie so amma told the beggar that they are going out. The beggar said that he would wait and he lied down on the porch. The group left for the movie but the image of the hungry old beggar kept haunting amma. Mid-way she asked the rickshaw-wallah to return to the house, much to the anguish of the excited children. They returned back and amma gave food to the beggar. The old beggar was happy and amma was relieved. She could not have enjoyed the movie when an old man was waiting for her to return and give him food. Thats my amma. Today, I am sure that I would do the same thing but a lot others won't. I have inherited it from amma, my amma.