Sob Story

I started this year with a bunch of resolutions. As we are inching closer to the end of first quarter, I thought I will have a quick status check. It did not take much time since I have failed on ALL the resolutions.

The main reason for the failure is the "Work-Life Imbalance", maintaining which is ironically one of my resolutions. I had decided that no matter how much extra hours I have to work during the week, I will save the weekends for my family. Cannot remember when was the last time I had a proper weekend. I work at least one of the two days. Even when I am not working, the stress of the pending work, the schedule in the coming week and sometimes the things that could go wrong bog me down.

I spent sometime thinking about the reason for this situation and here are few reasons;

1. There is no place for team work in this office. People work in silos. More often than not, one person has to deliver the entire project. For example, on one of the projects I am working on, I am the only person who has to do the analysis and put together a deliverable. There were teams who helped in data collection but I can go on for hours about how they created more problems than solving them. Now when the data is with me (in all possible formats), I have to compile and analyze the data and put together an exhaustive deliverable...all my myself
2. So whats the big deal? Have I not done in the past? Yes, I have. On numerous occasions. However, on most of those occasions, I was the one who had put together the proposal. In this case, the proposal was created by....hmmm....almost everyone!!! Unrealistic promises were made to the client. This is something that I am experiencing for the first time in my life. People put together a proposal and if the project is bagged, more often than not someone else is made to "walk on fire". Anyways, the issue is that I have been made to deal with way too much ambiguity. And I felt that people forgot that I am new to this industry, new to this part of the world, the people and the work culture and I am new to this organization and the processes
3. Again, whats the big deal? Have I not dealt with ambiguity in the past? Yes, having worked in 2 start-up companies and 2 start-up teams, I am not new to ambiguity. However, there is way too much that has been put on my plate. To give an example, I am handling another project, which should have been as easy as they come. However, it has been turned into a disastrous one, thanks to some poor project management by the office who has the overall project management responsibilities. In spite of doing everything properly, now I have to worry about several additional steps and levels of scrutiny. With my existing work load, this was something I wanted to avoid
4. This situation has made me work till late almost everyday. I am among the first few to arrive in the office and on most days in past few weeks, I have been the one who "closes" the office. (ya, being the last person to leave the office comes with a punishment here. One has to switch off all the lights, ACs and then close the main door!!!). I work like this through the week and then I work on the weekends as well
5. But, have I not worked in this manner in the past? Yes I have....since my first company. In my first company, people used to start hovering the main door around 5:45 pm. 6pm and bang...it used to become a curfew like situation in the office. In that kind of place (no job satisfaction and no money), I have spent days on which I have arrived at 9 am on a day and left at 8 pm on the next day. In my second job, there used to be a week every month in which I used to go home only for 1 hour every day to freshen up and the remaining time was spent in office!!! Later, Deloitte took away the work-life balance completely but I must admit that I used to feel happy while coming back from the office everyday. So no regrets there. My fourth job was relatively better but it still made me work on several weekends, primarily because there was no team. So I am not new to this but  the point is that no one should be working like this. All the years of slogging in this manner has definitely taken a toll on my health and I must admit, I find it extremely difficult to put night-outs like before. My health has deteriorated and I am not getting any younger
6. Oh, what a sob story!!! Aren't both the projects getting over by the month end? So whats with all this cribbing? A few more days and the ordeal should be over, isn't it? Ya, that is what I was hoping for. Not that I was looking forward to a few weeks of relaxation and not much work. I was just hoping that for at least few weekends, I would get some time with my family. However, a new project is starting. A project where objectives and deliverables have been decided but somehow (not surprisingly though), no one focused on methodology. A project where there is shortage of time but abundance of "May Be"s. A project which I would be leading with no experience in the domain. A project where everyone says that they would help but on the calls they indicate that they have a lot going on and so they would only provide guidance wherever required. So what does that mean? That means that I would end up screwing few more weeks and weekends slogging like anything. I feel that suddenly the finishing line has been pushed back....5 weeks to be precise
7. Do I deserve this? I have worked like this in the past. I am often called a workaholic. So, I am "kind of okay" as long as I am learning something (cliched but true). However, my wife and my daughter does not deserve this. When I work at home and my daughter crawls towards me and my laptop, intending to play with me, often I bark at my wife to take our daughter away and put her in the crib. I feel sorry but I cannot help it. Not many know but everyday before leaving for office, I apologize to my daughter for not spending any time with her. She smiles and I feel like killing myself. I have already turned into a bad husband and a bad father. The trouble is that with the lack of processes and ownership and with too much on my plate to deal with, I may be heading towards becoming a bad employee and project manager. I do not deserve this. My family does not deserve this

Oh, I have wasted half an hour of precious time on the weekend writing this nonsense. Now I must get back to the deliverable.